I was sitting in Hornswood Westfield the other day, having a coffee and a slightly less-than-tasty, low-fat muffin. Nibbling and sipping, I couldn’t help but notice the very attractive, twenty-something-year-old woman who sat down at the next table. She was very fit, good-looking and wearing not much. You get the picture.

A couple who looked to be in their early sixties approached where the attractive woman was sitting and texting. What I then saw was an incredible performance in the art of perving. The old campaigner, who I will call… say… Churchill, unknowingly provided me with a tutorial on what perving is, how to get away with it and how to get maximum advantage.

Whether we men are young or old, gay or straight, fans of Neil Diamond or not, when a very attractive person is spotted we have to check them out. It’s not avoidable for us. It stems back to caveman days where we were hunters and the women were gatherers. We had to have the sharp, well-honed spotting eyes for tracking and predatorial-protection purposes. If the men got their spotting wrong, their entire wretched fire-huddled clan may be trampled by a rampaging, slobbering mammoth. If the females got their spotting wrong, the clan would have a few less berries to munch on that afternoon.

Here’s how the situation in Hornswood Westfield unfolded.

Churchill slowed and eventually the couple stopped in front of my table just near the entrance to the chemist. His wife had not noticed the lady sitting at the table


Lesson 1Subtly move away from your spouse and manufacture some reason to stay within the vicinity of your target.

Churchill being the consummate perver, needed to lose his wife. With a simple, “I’ll just make a call honey”, it was done. Pulling out his phone, Churchill had a valid reason to loiter. I had to watch the guy, he was good.

Lesson 2There are many different ways to skin a cat.

This guy had all the techniques and did not waste the opportunity to put them to good use. He brought out all the classics –

“The Chameleon” – the head looks forward, but the eyes are strained so hard to the side of the socket, that one can almost see behind themselves. Churchill in front of me, had incredible eyeball control.

“The Glimmer Man” – cleverly use any reflective surface. In this case Churchill was putting the glass frontage of the chemist to maximum use.

“The Incidental” – hold up something (in his case the phone) just below the line of vision to look like you are innocently focusing, while actually getting an incidental perv over or around said object.

I was watching a master at work. He was perving to his heart’s content, she was completely unaware and his wife was happily smelling perfume. I have never seen a man so practiced in the perv. He was the Minnesota Fats of perving. The Master Perver. El Perverino.

Lesson 3Don’t get caught.

If your partner catches you perving, or the person you are perving upon notices, the whole house of cards falls down.

The second that Churchill’s wife exited the chemist, with a ready to go honey his phone call immediately ended and with her, he started to move on. Pointedly ignoring the lady, he made his way past my table. I gave him a wry, yet respectful, smile. He gave me the tiniest of nods that said “here endeth the lesson son”.

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