In the 80s, us blokes of the North Shore, were definitely homophobic. We had great hair and fantastic shoes, but we were homophobic.

Things changed a little in the 90s, undoubtedly due to cool, gay characters on Roseanne and Melrose Place and we became more “homo-averse”, than homophobic.

In the new millennium, with Arrested Development and 30 Rock, we watered down our long-held prejudices to just “homo-skittish”.

However, House Husbands and Modern Family, allowed further improvement, so we are currently sitting at only “homo-concerned”. An advancement.

I’m thinking, we can do even better Hornswood lads. We can make it to… “homo-indifferent

Here’s my random thoughts:

  • We must start to deride the Hornswoodian homophobe, to make lives vastly more comfortable for gay kids into the future.
  • For those who don’t know me, I’m not gay, my son’s certainly not, but one of my oldest and closest mates is. The gay community, may be mortified to have a straight guy who writes as politically-incorrectly as I do, speaking like a crusader for gay rights.
  • Being a “crusader” sounds pretty cool, I picture noble Sir Jase, in chain mail, on a war-horse, brigand-smoting with broadsword and shield, on my way to the local tavern for a tankard of ale with my favourite wench.
  • I work in the Eastern suburbs and over there, there’s no shortage of gay blokes, being couples… and… NOBODY… CARES. Hornswood is a wonderful place to live, but it’s an indictment on us, that there are basically no outwardly gay men strolling around Hornswood Westfield! Gay Hornswood sons, live a lie, or they move away.

Me (playing pool at Hornswood RSL with a few mates) – “That’s the worst freaken shot I have ever seen at a pool table Fracas. You could choke on sherbet!”

Fracas (aka Mike) – “I saw your fag mate the other day. He’s a good bloke.”

Me – “Whoa, whoa, whoa Fracas! I’m trying to diminish the level of homophobia in Hornswood. “Fag” or “faggot” are literally the most offensively demeaning things you can call a gay bloke? It’s like using the N word to an African-American.”

Fracas – “Huh? Faggot, gay, poof, queer. Same thing.”

Me – Faggot is hurtful. If you insist on describing him by his sexuality, which is weird in itself, but if you must, call him gay.”

  • Most Hornswood blokes, don’t have any really close mates that are (outwardly) gay, because they just don’t live in the area. Some may have a next door neighbour’s cousin that’s gay, or know a guy from work, but I’m talking about Hornswoodians being mates with a gay guy. It’s rare and it’s half the problem. Exposure, promotes tolerance.

Fracas – “Half these blokes only go gay ‘cause it’s trendy.”

Me – “Seriously? They voluntarily choose to be part of a harassed minority? They side-jump because it’s stylish? I don’t know how little your sexuality means to you Fracas, but I really don’t think I could find some bloke’s schlong attractive, even if it meant being invited to a few more parties on the weekend… THEY’RE BORN GAY! Maybe you should focus a little more on your shot and a little less on your fanciful gay-lifestyle theories.”

  • Too often when there’s media coverage of issues like gay marriage or adoption, they flash to footage of shaved, gay men, dancing up on a Mardi Gras float, wearing arse-less chaps and a “wake up the gimp” mask. This unfair stereotype is seared into our brain.
  • For f#cks sake, let them get married. What is this 1950?
  • I’m generalising of course, but gay blokes are more promiscuous and take part in wilder things, than us. OF COURSE THEY DO. THEY’RE… BLOKES… I would guess in 95% of hetero relationships, it’s the woman who is the hand-brake when things get too kinky in the bedroom. Whether you’re into just plain old missionary, or it’s “lion-on-the-cheese-grater” position for you, it’s rarely the bloke going to say “no, let’s not do that” or “let’s not put that in there” or “that’s just too weird.

Fracas – “It’s just not natural.”

Me – “You kidding? If you’re born a certain way (with an open hand intimating him), tall, dark-haired, thin lips, that’s nature right? Nature, which you’re apparently such a fan of, has… made… them… gay. Anyway, if it was all left up to what’s natural, we wouldn’t be here with ineptitude-illustrating pool tables, Fox Sports and chicken schnitty.

Me – “So of course Fracas, if you were a single man and you picked up a thin-lip-seeking hot lady, as unlikely as that seems, you’d have to let her know ahead of time your absolute aversion to anything… unnatural.”

Fracas – “I got thin lips?”

  • We Hornswood men, just like moonshine-distilling, varmint-eating, cousin-marryin’, hillbillies, will not be told how to think or feel, by outsiders. So any politically-correct, Green-voting, man-bun-wearing, vegan, gay rights activist from Surry Hills, would have no chance getting Hornswood blokes to progress to homo-indifferent. We only change from within.
  • “Brokeback Mountain” was a wonderful movie, but “that scene”, you know, the one in the tent, was just too graphic and made too many straight blokes uncomfortable. It dramatically slowed Hornswood’s progression by galvanizing the Homophobes and giving them a focal point to take the piss out of (no doubt, the opposite of the true intentions of the movie makers).

Fracas – “I hate poofs.”

Me – “You hate gays Fracas? You’re a family man! Isn’t life too short? Isn’t there enough violence and pain in the world, without keeping room in your heart for hating Hornswoodians that in no way interfere with you or your family! Why bother?”

Fracas – “I just don’t like th-”

Me – “NOBODY IS ASKING YOU TO LIKE ANYTHING FRACAS, just don’t hate! And don’t teach your kids to hate. Hate a guy if he doesn’t shout (I waved my empty beer glass in front of his face), if he supports the Brisbane Broncos or has wafer thin lips. But not if he’s gay.”

  • Hornswood dads will do anything for their kids. Burdening them with our outdated bigotries (via poofter jokes and fag comments), will place our kids behind the eight-ball, when they head into the politically-correct workplaces of the future.

Me – “Fracas, what if your best mate from Hornswood Rugby Club came out? Like my mate did.”

Fracas – “Well we wouldn’t be showering together after the game anymore and I’d be gettin’ a new mate.”

Me – “There’s just no way he could possibly resist coming on to you? Thin lips and all? If you dropped your guard for a minute, he’d be there trying to make you gay? You’d seriously forsake your mate? Jeez, remind me never to be stuck in a Gallipoli trench with you Fracas.”

  • It’s a small point I know, but the term “coming out of the closet” is too theatrical and sounds too camp, for a lot of Hornswood dads and sons to consider. If we called it “bloking-up” or “fighting-out” or something, then more blokes may do it, or not judge too harshly blokes who do.

Fracas – “I wouldn’t want one teaching my son.”

Me – “But you’re happy to have a straight guy teach your daughter? Believe me Fracas, any poor gay bloke who did end up teaching your son, probably wouldn’t be all that happy having one of his student’s dads being a bigoted, sherbet-choking, Broncos-jersey-wearing, thin-lipper! And mate when you say one, it makes them sound like a species.”

  • Hornswoodians, imagine having all those terrible gay slurs, angry comments and piss-taking remarks, being aimed at one of your kids.
  • I’ve heard Hornswood women, when some bloke is loudly and consistently making anti-gay statements, imply that he may actually be gay himself. A “methinks he doth protests too much”, sort of thing. But I don’t think that’s the case. Most those blokes aren’t trying to cover up their own gayness. They are actually anti-gay. That’s the problem!
  • Apparently about 5% of the population is gay. I would suggest that maybe 0.5% of Hornswood is openly gay. That means there are hundreds of blokes depressingly living a lie and never truly relaxing with the people closest to them. Hornswood kids should be worried about pimples, how their footy team is going and exams, not hiding a thing that goes to the absolute core of who they are… their sexuality.
  • I cannot comprehend how the hell a person hides being gay. I’d have no chance. The first time I got really pissed at the pub with the lads, I’d end up yelling out “JEEZ YOU LOOK GOOD IN THOSE JEANS BOY”. I couldn’t get away with it.
Jeans. Jeans.

Let’s go for homo-indifferent and make life a hell of a lot less depressing for young guys in Hornswood. We can’t change the world, but we can change Hornswood.

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