In Hornswood (being the mystical little suburbs snuggled between Hornsby and Chatswood) it can be a little conservative and… quiet. So I need to initiate social events whenever I can.

My daughter attends a private school, in Hornswood. I don’t say that in a showing-off way at all, it’s a bit of a struggle when we have to pay the school/sport/book/camp/uniform bills. But I cannot deny it’s an amazing, well-to-do-school and most the parents drive cars that are much fancier than my Mazda CX-9.

When she was in her first year at “Hornswood Ladies College”, I thought it would be a great idea to arrange a piss-up with the dads of the other Year 7 girls. Someone arranged the same thing at my son’s school and it was great because you got to know blokes you are going to occasionally see, for the next 6 years.

I was eventually put in contact with the person in charge of such things, Mrs Penelope Correct (my daughter would kill me if I used her actual name). I sent her an email, complete with a Bitmoji. Yes, yes, I know I probably shouldn’t have started with a Bitmoji, but hindsight is 20/20.

Dear Penny,

I’m the father of a student in year 7. I was hoping to arrange an unofficial pub visit for the dads of her year, so we can all get to know each other early in the schooling career. Would that be possible? Thanks.

Jase Gram

PC replied in a very timely and positive manner.

Dear Mr Gram,

I’m pretty confident that is the first time anybody has sent correspondence with a Bitmoji of themselves. Lol. However, that sounds like a wonderful idea. Send me an email and I will forward it straight out to the rest of the dads of Year 7. Kindest regards

Penelope Correct – Hornswood Ladies College.


So I sent her an email with an excellent Bitmoji of me attached to really set the tone for all the dads, when she forwarded it on.

Howdy dads of Year 7 girls,

I know some of you dodgy lads already, but most I don’t and we’re going to be at soccer, netball, parties and sleep-over drop-offs, for the next 6 years (aaaagh).

Let’s all get together for a massive, rowdy break-the-ice piss-up!!! Who’s in lads? The Greengate, March 17th. 7:00ish.

The next day, PC send me back a reply.

I’m sorry Mr Gram. Do you think you could possibly, tone the email down just a little bit? Kindest regards

Penelope Correct – Hornswood Ladies College.


I assumed the picture was the problem, so I sent back a less suggestive Bitmoji.

Penny please just call me Jase. I’m no “Mr Gram”. How’s this one?

PC replied.

I’m sorry Jase, do you think you could possibly, tone the email down just a little bit further? Kindest regards

Penelope Correct – Hornswood Ladies College.


So I amended it to look more like a dad celebration-of-Hornswood-life, than a piss-up.

PC then replied, in an exceedingly timely manner. I think she was starting to get a little concerned.

I’m sorry again Jase. The school does not want to be encouraging excessive beer drinking in any of their communications. Kindest regards

Penelope Correct – Hornswood Ladies College.


So keep in mind I really wanted this thing to happen and I didn’t want to appear like an absolute yobbo to my daughter’s new school. I sent a Bitmoji which had no amber fluid.

I know what you’re saying Penny. How’s this one?

PC replied.

No Jase, could you do one that’s a little bit more representative of us at Hornswood Ladies College? Kindest regards

Penelope Correct – Hornswood Ladies College.


That one was easy.

Penny I’m pretty keen to make it look like fun so we’ll get plenty of dads actually turn up. How’s this?

PC got back to me.

Yes Jase, I have spoken to a few people in the office and we’re still not comfortable sending that out from the school. Could you do one a little more in fitting with the school’s standards. Kindest regards

Penelope Correct – Hornswood Ladies College.


Sorted Penny.

PC replied. I think she was getting a little frustrated. As I was.

Jase, could you do one without alcohol mentioned or implied? And how about any single-mothers who may wish to attend? We cannot exclude any parents. Kindest regards

Penelope Correct – Hornswood Ladies College.


Single mothers? Did PC completely misunderstand what I was trying to arrange??

Penny, single mothers aren’t actually invited. This is for dads only.



I got the distinct impression my email was not going to be sent out at all and that my file had been stamped “Dodgy Dad”. So I sent this…

How do you do, fathers of Year 7 students?

I have had the pleasure of making the acquaintance of some of you, however we are more than likely going to be briefly meeting at dance recitals, football games, netball frolics, hockey adventures, parties and sleep-over drop-offs for the next 6 years.

I suggest we all gather together for a tea-drinking session, so we may get to know each other. Who is interested in attending? The Greengate Hotel, March 17th. Shall we say, 7:00? The first tea’s on me!

She replied.

Mr Gram the school will take the entire idea under advisement. Regards.

Penelope Correct – Hornswood Ladies College.


I had reverted to “Mr Gram” and her “kind regards” had lost their warmth and had been diminished to just “regards”.

After not hearing from her for about a month, I sent her one last Bitmoji, with no words.

That was five years ago, I’m still waiting.

Thanks for reading. I write blogs oftentimes just to claim at parties much to my wife’s chagrin, that I am in fact… a writer. If you could Share far and wide via the buttons below, that would be amazing. I need to one day be a famous contributor to the noble art, of blogging. And check out my new craft beer business I set up with a few North Shore dads (www.gettincrafty.com.au) Cheers


  1. Mate I would have attended even if you didn’t refer to my drink of choice, soy latte (I.e. “brose”).
    Ooh and my daughter didn’t go there.

    The pendulum has gone to far,


  2. You need a viral WhatsApp group so you can avoid the official bureaucracy – each dad adds on the dads they know and so on. And then everyone respects the first rule of fight club…


  3. Your problem is that it wasn’t a Catholic school.. It’s a cardinal sin (that’s a “go directly to Hell” type sin for you non-catholics ) to hold any function at a Catholic school unless there is copious amounts of alcohol.
    Pro tip: never drive to a Catholic school function.


  4. Hahaha, we had Thirsty Thursdays at my daughters school once a term in the junior school, but not much in the senior school since.


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