OLD-SCHOOL, BROTHER-IN-LAW RIVALRY – a blog by Jase Gram (Hornswood Express)

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December 28, 2015 by writehandman.com.au

Nothing screams “CHRISTMAS” in our Hornswood home more, than having eight bottles of Hahn Super Dry (low carb) and challenging your brother-in-law to a push-ups competition. Nothing! Santa, nativity scenes, carols, tinsel, coloured lights, presents, Christmas trees, Hahn Super Dry and push-ups. It all goes together.

I was explaining to my brother-in-law Toby, how after a period of about 20 years of inactivity and fatness, I now have the world’s greatest personal trainer (Wayne Nicholls PT – he deserves a plug) and push-ups have become my area of expertise. With proper technique I had recently set my record at an enormous 25 (keeping in mind I weigh 112.4 kg, so when I push-up, I’m pushing up a fair bit).

Me – “Come on Tobe. Don’t be soft. WE GONNA GET IT ON, ‘CAUSE WE DON’T GET ALONG.” I did a little Ali shuffle, raised my hands in a pre-emptive victory celebration, dropped and assumed the push-up position.

1…2…3…4…5…

I was feeling pretty good after the first five. My shoulders knew what was coming, they were surprised it was happening on Christmas day mind you, but they were sort of ready.

6…7…8…9…10…11…12…13…

STAY FOCUSED! My Shoulders and biceps weren’t quite screaming yet, but there were certainly getting rowdy. KEEP GOING.

14…15…16…17…18…19…20…

PAIN AND SUFFERING! I was really hurting. The arms were shaking, my face was red like Clive Palmer in a sauna.

KEEP GOING!!

21…22…23…24…25…

I HAD EQUALED MY RECORD, but it wasn’t enough for me. Not this day. Not on this stage. In front of the family, under my own roof, in my domain! I wanted… no, more than that, I NEEDED, to smash my record. I needed to set an un-beatable total, which I could laud over Toby until probably the next Christmas.

26…

My arms wobbled like a gelatin dessert. PUSH! The last one was going to be slooow.

27… YES!!!!

I’D SMASHED MY RECORD!!!!

I collapsed onto the floor, then I jumped to my feet. I was sucking in the big ones, my face burned and veins bulged, I was sweating, I couldn’t move my arms and wanted to vomit up my 8 Christmas Super Drys. But I’d done it. 27!!

Me – “IN YOUR FACE TOBE! YEAH!! TWENTY SEVEN BIG ONES. HIGH SOCIETY! WHOA MOMMA.

Toby didn’t say anything but I could tell he was concerned. He’s seven years older than me, well past his prime at 54. I was rushing around the room, obviously trying to get a crowd chant of “TWENTY-SEVEN” going, while high-fiving my brother and his wife, my elderly Spanish mother-in-law (who thought I wanted the remote control), my son and my wife (who actually refused to return my high-five and just left me hanging).

Toby dropped to the ground and started his push-ups painfully slowly.

1………2………3………

I knew he had no chance. One of my push-up record-attaining secrets, is to start fast, so when you hit the wall, you’ve got a decent number on the board.

Me – “Watch that left shoulder mate.” His technique was actually flawless and there was nothing wrong with his left shoulder, but I had to start the piss-taking somewhere.

4………5………6………

Me – “Need a breather mate? Jeez twenty-seven must seem so freaken unattainable just about now.

7……..8………9………

I’d never seen slower push-ups. All that cannelloni and beer had had a bigger impact on him than I’d anticipated.

Me – “Is it too late to get a bet on? Tobe, you know, LOTS of ladies have difficulty getting over twenty.

10………11………12………

Me – “Do you want your sister to take over mate?

13………14…….…

Me – “It’s not your fault… It’s not your fault… It’s not your fault.

15………16………17………

Me – “Don’t worry Tobe. It’s not that you’re weak … it’s just that you’re very fat.” He actually isn’t fat like me, but a good sledge, is a good sledge.

18………19………

Me – “Maybe, to be fair, I should do push-ups and you should do… Jenga.

20………21………

Damn, now I was getting a little nervous. He was getting close to my magical number and his pace was still exactly the same. I needed a really hard-hitting sledge to put him off his game.

Me – “YOU GIRL’S BLOUSE.” Damn, that one was much more effective in the 80’s.

22………23………24………25………26………27………28………29………

I won’t bore you with the details, but once he had beaten my record by twenty, he stood up. Forty seven.

He wasn’t puffing, wasn’t red in the face, wasn’t sweating, his arms weren’t shaking and he could walk properly. His sister (my loving wife), gave him a quick, loud high-five and handed him back his Super Dry. He sat down, sipped the beer and they continued their conversation. It was like he’d just left his seat to change the channel.

My brother – “Another beer Tobe?” My brother high-fived Toby.

It’d be REALLY awesome if you left a comment on my blog, Share via the Facebook button below, or just give the Facebook post a thumbs up. Check out my new writing business, which allows me to now claim I am in fact, a professional writer (www.hornswoodexpress.com.au). Cheers.

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4 thoughts on “OLD-SCHOOL, BROTHER-IN-LAW RIVALRY – a blog by Jase Gram (Hornswood Express)

  1. Anonymous says:

    Kudos to you Writehandman. It is one thing to be able to do multiple push ups, like that lame brother-in-law, it is another altogether to call it out and back yourself in, regardless of abilty or outcome. Some would call you arrogant, pig headed, obnoxious, and with an over inflated sense of self worth. I won’t make comment on your parents though – I think you are cool.

    Like

  2. Anonymous says:

    He doesn’t even look fit. He must be on cobalt!

    Dad

    Like

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