I went to a Saturday night, impromptu BBQ about a year ago at one of our really good friend’s houses. It was meant to be just the hosts, being Kelly and Luke, and us. At the last minute Kelly’s brother Trevor, asked if he could join in. No problem normally right? We’d never met Trev, but I’d heard plenty about him for quite a number of years. What I’d heard was all bad.

Trev is… a never-bring.

Like most people, when we go to a friend’s house we bring whatever we want to drink, plus a bit extra for the hosts. We also bring a few nibbles as a contribution. That’s what most Hornswood people do. However, not a “never-bring,” no sir. They turn up with zippo, regularly.

Don’t think the fact that they have turned up with nothing, means that a “never-bring” goes hungry, or thirsty. Oh no. They drink as if they’re the lovechild of Mel Gibson and David Hasselhoff and they eat like the offspring of Elvis and Kirstie Alley.

That night (I was admittedly on the lookout for never-bring shenanigans, due to Lukey’s heads-up), it didn’t take long for Trev to oblige. When he helped himself to the first of my low-carb Blonde beers, I didn’t say a word. After the second and third of my refreshing beverages were being washed down his throat, I held my tongue. Despite him also turning out to be a major whinger and oozing tall poppy syndrome.

When he got up to go to the toilet, my wife spoke softly to me.

My wife – “Now I know Luke told you how much it annoys him and Trevor has had three of your beers, but remember he’s Kelly’s brother. You brought twelve, you’ve got plenty left.

Me – “But the freaken never-bring is drinking faster than me“. I was feeling all the brother-in-law-rage poor Lukey had pent up over many years.

Trev returned to the table, with a fourth one of my beers. He cracked it open and looked closely at the label.

The never-bring – “Blonde? Low-carb… this is a f–king girl’s drink!

Me – “OH FOR F–KS SAKE. If you don’t like it, here’s an idea, BRING YOUR OWN. You’re a never-bring and you’re complaining about the type of beer which I brought, of which you have drunk four, without even f–king asking. You never-brings have got a hide.

The never-bring – “What’s your problem Jase? Stingy?” The never-bring smirked at me, and sipped my icy cold low-carb beer.

Me – “Jesus Christ Trev. Do you not see the irony in you calling me stingy? Do you seriously think your company is so wonderful for your sister and brother-in-law that you don’t have to contribute to the evening in any way? That the beers which your brother and I have provided somehow become shared property amongst the three of us?

I bring stuff,” he replied. This was a lie.

Me – “I’ll bet you don’t Trev. I’ll… bet… you… don’t. If by some freakish occurrence some bloke happened to be giving away free six packs of beer out the front of Lukey’s house here tonight, and you were given no choice but to bring it in with you, I bet it’d be Tooheys New… and you’d end up drinking his Coronas! YOU’RE A NEVER-BRING TREV. You’re a burden on your family.

Just then Kelly and Lukey returned to the veranda from the kitchen with the potato salad and the garlic bread. My wife, Trev and I sat in obvious silence. Trev had an angry look on his face.

KellyWhat’s happened?

Me – “Your brother’s a never-bring,” I stated. Factually.

Kelly spun around and looked at her husband. “A what?

Lukey – “Oh no”.

I gave Lukey a bit of a nod, meaning I’m sorry I dropped you in it mate, but what else could I do?

I think it’s time, we the good people of Hornswood rise up and unite against the never-brings. They need to know that we are not going to put up with their advantage-taking ways any longer. Be they brother, sister, neighbor, friend or newsagent, their time is nigh. If you know any of their kind, you must confront them. Like a writhing, screaming vampire we must drag them out in to the sun. NEVER-BRINGERS, YOU WILL TAKE ADVANTAGE NO LONGER. Your day’s are gone.

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  1. Your social engagements are getting rather hair raising these days??!! Next you’ll be writing about middle aged men getting into fist fights!


  2. Sure, Jase, nobody like a never bring – but I dislike in equal measures the “share-to-muchers”. They share their thoughts on your weaknesses, ways in which you can improve, things they have achieved, what you should do. Sometimes they even give uneducated opinions on fields in which they know you to be an expert – like medical opinions when there is a doctor standing there. Personally I would happily bring an extra slab if would guarantee that the share-to-mucher would just suck down the icy cold freebies and keep his opinion to himself.


    • Look here Troll boy, you have a huge number of major personality flaws, more than anybody else I know, but being a never-bring is not one of them. So don’t you go feigning indignation and offense.
      And as for Dr Tyler, he’s a freaken dermatologist! I’ll seek his opinion if I get a horrible groin rash. Up to that point I reckon my opinion is just as valuable as his and more valuable than yours.


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