That brilliant series “Spartacus” had a wild orgy scene. It was extremely raunchy, lots of hot slave women getting it on with muscled-up gladiators and Roman soldiers and being true to the era, there was also quite a bit of bloke-on-bloke action.

It got me wondering about the casting process…

Sean Wildman, a young dude who did plenty of live theatre in College, left his family in Iowa, hoping to follow his dream in Hollywood and was over the moon when got his first break and was offered work as a “Spartacus” extra! 

Sean’s agent had already told him he was in the orgy scene and only got the gig because he looks so good with his gear off, but what the hell. You have to start somewhere right?

So the fifteen or so muscle-bound blokes who are going to be playing the gladiators and the Romans, are waiting in one big room. Leonard, the proudly-effeminate Director’s-assistant is reading off his clipboard and telling everybody their specific extras roles for the filming.

Director’s-assistant Leonard – “Ok gents. Listen up now”. He clapped against his clipboard. “The ladies are preparing in the other room and I’m here to let you gorgeous men know who’s with who, for this upcoming orgy scene.”

They all fell silent. Nervous anticipation hovered over the room.

Director’s-assistant Leonard – “ROCKO GIBSON?”

Rocko at the back of the room stuck up his hand.

Rocko – “Yes sir Mr Leonard!”      

Director’s-assistant Leonard – “Rocko, your role is up against the statue of Caesar with the stunning Yazmeen Tulsan. She plays the African warrior princess.”

Rocko was understandably happy – “Thank you sir.“

Director’s-assistant Leonard – “Just making this scene brilliant will be thanks enough Rocko.” He ticked Rocko’s name off his list. “ALISTAIR MORECOMBE? PUT YOUR HAND UP ALISTAIR”. Alistair did so. “Ok, you’re a lucky man Alistair. You’re with the striking Sally-Anne Griffith on the red velvet cushions. She plays a volatile German sex-slave”.

Alistair nodded.

Director’s-assistant Leonard – “Jeremy Holter, Kyle Maxer and Johnny Bullet? You boys are all on the tiger skin rug with the beautiful Greek slave girls. You can work out with the ladies who goes with who”. The lads looked pleased.

Director’s-assistant Leonard – “Sean Wildman?”

Sean threw up his hand excitedly. He was a long way from Iowa now!

Director’s-assistant Leonard – “Sean you’re bent over the giant urn in front of Big Frank, gladiator’s guard”. He ticked his list. “Tommy Warner? You’re with the-“

Sean (interjecting) – “SORRY… to… interrupt, Director’s-assistant.”

Director’s-assistant Leonard (impatiently) – “Yeees, what is it?? I only have ten minutes to get this done”.

Sean – “I’m um… not sure I caught that… correctly. My name’s Wildman, you said I was wiiith…”

Director’s-assistant Leonard checked his list – “Giant urn, Big Frank behind you. Tommy Warner, where are you Tommy?” (Leonard looked up from his clipboard and saw Tommy’s raised hand).

Sean  just sat there stunned as Leonard continued allocating parts and partners. Suddenly his daze was broken as a massive, man-mountain loomed over him. The man spoke in a deep, Rusty Crowe voice.

Big Frank (man mountain) – “I can’t wait to do this scene with you Sean. And just so you know, I’m a method actor. And I take my craft very seriously”.

Imagine eventually, a few months later when Sean in Hollywood gets a Facetime call from his mum back in Iowa.

Sean’s mum (on the phone) – “Howdy Seanny. It’s mum. I know you wouldn’t tell us when your episode of that Spartacus thingy was going to air, so I rang your agent. Dad and I are sitting here now with all the family and pretty well everybody in Iowa crammed into our living room to watch it.”

His mum rotated the phone so he could see the packed livingroom and they all cheered.

Sean’s mum – “In fact your scene’s on right now! LITTLE TOMMY, TURN IT UP!”

Sean – “OH MUM, NO!”

Sean’s mum – “Now don’t be shy Seanny. So, which one are you? There’s so many people in this scene.”

Sean (dejected and knowing it was unavoidable) – “Up the back mum. Far right”.

Sean’s mum (he could see her squinting) – “But that’s not you Seanny”.

Sean – “No… not him mum. That’s Big Frank the method actor. You can’t see my face. I’m… bent over the urn”.

Sean hears his six-year old cousin in the background. “THERE HE IS! THAT BIG NAKED MAN IS WRESTLING WITH HIM.”

Then he hears his elderly grandmother laugh. “IS THAT WHAT HE MEANT BY RECEIVING AN OSCAR ONE DAY?”

Sean’s mum (finally working out which one was him) – “Oh… golly Seanny… you’re very… OH, GOLLY. It looks… very… oh dear God!”

 

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