I came home the other night and I was… really, really drunk. No other way to describe it. Maggotted! Which I don’t do very often.

I struggled up my hallway, trying my best to make no noise, without turning on any lights. I didn’t want to bring any family attention to my… condition. I eventually made my way to the kitchen. I flicked on the light, revealing to my horror, sitting upon one of the apples in our fruit bowl, an enormous cockroach!

We both looked intently at one another. I felt myself swaying due to my intoxication, so I grabbed the bench to steady my wobbling body.

Me – (to the cockie) COCKIE! Where’s my spray?

I was in no condition to be in control of toxic gas but I looked around for the can.

Cockroach (to me) – My name’s Lenny, and I f#cking hate humans! You see this apple I’m sitting on?

This was not a situation I was expecting, to say the very least.

Me – Um… yeah.

I didn’t really look at the apple. I looked around the kitchen. I was indeed alone, just me… and the cockie.

Cockroach – I had wild sex with my wife on that apple, two nights ago. And this red one next to it, I shat on that, just last night. And that yellow nectarine there next to the apple, my wife and I had sex on that one about an hour ago! So, UP YOURS human! I hope you enjoy the taste.

The cockie looked at me smugly.

Now I knew I was pissed, however I just stared at the talking cockie, absolutely incredulous. Stunned.

Me – HOW much sex, are you getting???

Cockroach – As much as I want man. I’m a f#cking cockroach! We don’t have fancy cars, fancy holidays, nice clothes, all we do is eat, drink and have sex!

I nodded, impressed.

Me – Quality? Maybe his world wasn’t so perfect after all!

Cockroach – Superb! So F#CK YOU MAN. I HATE ALL YOU HUMANS.

I was getting a bit annoyed by his aggression.

Me – Just wind it back a bit mate. Maybe we don’t like you and your type either.


Me – Well… at least we don’t have the word “cock” in our name.

I wish I had somebody there I could high-five. I smiled at him. That one put him back in his place.

Cockroach – A few times a week, me and my cousin Shane, try to wipe our arses across your mouth without waking you up.

Me – WHAT??? YOU MOTHER F#CKERS! He’d crossed the line.

Cockroach – And old Shano scratches his balls on your toothbrush most nights. It’s the blue one right? He says it makes his nether regions smell nice and minty, for the ladies, if you know what I mean. He chuckled.


I reached for the can of Pea Beau on top of the fridge, and then had to hold onto the fridge to steady myself again.

Cockroach – What are you going to f#cking do man? Spray the whole f#cking bowl of fruit?

He had a point.

Me – MAYBE I SHOULD JUST SQUASH THE WHITE CUSTARD OUT OF YOU. Get out of my house Lenny! This is not going to end well.

Cockroach – Your house??? Yours? My ancestors have lived here for 39 years mate, so f#ck you!

I thought it was time to take a bit of the heat out of the confrontation.

Me – How many kids you got?

Cockroach – Fourteen thousand, seven hundred and four, spread all over Hornswood. He clicked his fingers.

Cockroach – Actually, fourteen thousand, seven hundred and two, due to an issue with some baits under a fridge in St Ives on the weekend.

Me – I’m sorry to hear that Lenny.

I’m not completely heartless.

Cockroach – No… you’re… NOT!

Me – True, I’m not. Now, I’m going to have to kill you… Lenny.


Me – Hey, that’s gender stereotyping Lenny!

I raised the Pea Beau and Lenny raced off the apple and ran down the side of the bowl. Can in hand I circled the bowl, but he wasn’t there!

I lifted it up, but like magic he was gone. He had disappeared. I thought, how do they do that?

The next morning I was hung-over like a dog and my wife asked me why the fruit bowl and my toothbrush were sitting in the fridge. I didn’t know what to tell her.

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Author: writehandman.com.au

Thanks for reading my blog, where I put my heart and soul down in words, for you! What's new? I love my Sea Eagles, but Manly make it EXTREMELY difficult to be loyal. Like a noble, armour-clad knight astride a powerful war-steed, in dogged pursuit of my elusive dream to one day make a living as a writer/blogger, I've started writing emails for small businesses, to entertain and entice their customers. Imagine "Hornswood Pool Shop", who if they exist are probably spamming customers a few times a year. When it comes to catchy writing that people will actually read, Hornswood Pool Shop are good at... pools. Perfect pH, but their communications though accurate and informative… are also boring and sadly perish, unloved and unopened. But thanks to me, their campaigns can be worshiped by the people! Opened. Read! Cherished!! Held aloft, like the Life of Brian shoe or that chubby little Lion King. At the moment I'm... low-tariff, because I'm just starting (despite often nearly doubling industry open-rates). Know any businesses who could benefit from having wonder and awe sent out to their database? You’ll allow me to continue claiming at parties much to my wife's chagrin, that I am in fact, a writer. If you could Like or Share, to help me become famous, would be wonderful. Twitter? https://twitter.com/writehandman99 Cheers.


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