NRL (aka League) and Rugby Union, have very different fan bases, at least they do amongst my friends.

I have great mates who live in the Western suburbs of Sydney and they absolutely love their NRL. A few years ago I watched the NRL Grand Final with them, in Campbelltown (a long way from Hornswood). I also have great mates who live in Hornswood and they absolutely adore their Rugby Union. I watched the Bledisloe Cup with them, in Roseville (Rugby Union heartland).



Me to my NRL mate, Grand Final night – “Howdy Crotch-Rot, where do I shove my Coronas?

NRL mate – “You don’t want me to answer that, because the answer involves your arse! Coronas? Oooh la-di-da… very fancy! Chuck ‘em in the f#cking esky! Just near the bottle of Bundy that the fat prick brought.

Me – “I tried, but the esky’s full of VB and Reschs!


Me to my Rugby Union mate, Bledisloe night – “Hello James, where do I place my Coronas?

Rugby Union mate – “Coronas?? Cheap cat’s excrement! Put them in the glass-faced fridge. Just near the bottle of Pinot Gris Andrew brought.

Me – “I tried, but the fridge’s full of Asahi and Grolsch!



Me to my NRL mate – “Hey Scumbag, nice aqua coloured flannel. Too good for you. Where’d you get it?

NRL mate – “F#ck knows. The missus bought it. Lowes in Macarthur Square I think. It’s not aqua!

Me – “Does your sister know you’re wearing her shirt? Nice handlebar moustache too… not as good as your sister’s.


Me to my Rugby Union mate – “Hey Andrew, nice pink shirt. Where’d you get it?

Rugby Union mate – “Thanks you Jase. Egyptian cotton mixed with Belgian linen. I got it from my London tailor. It’s not pink though, it’s fuchsia.

Me – “Huh, it looks local.



Me to my NRL mate – “Jeez that barbie smells great dick head. What are you burning the crap out of for us?

NRL mate – “Shit head, we got T-bones and we got snags!

Me – “I’m so hungry I could eat Kym Beazley stuffed with bacon.

Me to my Rugby Union mate – “Gee whiz that barbecue smells great Walter. What are we having?

Rugby Union mate – “Jase we have Wagyu scotch fillet and we have pheasant-camembert-pistachio sausages.

Me – “I’m so hungry I could eat Joe Hockey stuffed with quinoa.



Me to my NRL mate – “I got a Bradman on this game Dirty Phil, you got any bets on?

NRL mate – “Yeah. I won fiddy on the pokies, so I put it on the Doggies at minus five and half.

Me – “Good bet.


Me to my Rugby Union mate – “I have a hundred dollars wagered on this game Cameron, have you got any on?

Rugby Union mate – “No way! You’re a compulsive gambler Jase. I can’t believe how much you bet on a football match

Me – “Huh? You just put $30,000 into Billabong options based on one article you read in the Financial Review!



Me to my NRL mate – “You going away for the holidays Swineherder?

NRL mate – “Ooh shit yeah. Taking the caravan to the Central Coast. Fishing, surfing, snorkeling, sunbaking, kayaking, beers and barbies.

Me – “You could have just said going to the Central Coast, wanker.”


Me to my Rugby Union mate – “You going away for the holidays Robert?

Rugby Union mate – “Ooh yeah. Going heli-skiing in Normandy.

Me – “You could have just said going to France or skiing, tosser.



Me to my NRL mate – “What do you think of Rugby Union, root-master? I’ll be watching the Bledisloe with a whole bunch of Roseville mates.

NRL mate – “I F#CKING HATE THAT GAME. Too many stoppages, feigning of injuries, the number of fat-boy players, the ref’s interpretations can screw the game and it’s just sooooo bloody complicated. It’s designed for your silver-spoon, SBS-watching, BMW-driving, private-school, trust fund, lobster-nibbling, tax-evading, suit-wearing, white-collar snob mates.

Me – “It’s the thinking man’s game root-master, and you’re obviously just not a thinker.


Me to my Rugby Union mate – “What do you think of NRL, Xavier? I’ll be watching the Grand Final with a whole bunch of Campbelltown mates.

Rugby Union mate – “I REALLY HATE THAT GAME. It’s so predictable, bash it up the centre five times and then kick. Their scrums are a joke and the players all take turns being arrested! It’s played by thugs and morons, for the viewing pleasure of your wage-earning, Pauline Hanson-voting, tree-removing, TAB-visiting, KFC-eating, Home And Away-watching, Commodore driving mates.

Me – “You are such a freaken snob, the simplicity is what’s so great about it.


I don’t know if my mates represent the wider community or not, but just like Judas Iscariot, Sonny Bill Williams and Benedict Arnold, I am happy having a foot in both warring camps.


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  1. Brilliant – nothing like a clever list of thoughtful stereotypes to amuse the prejudicial juices, bigotry bile and factional fluids. Loved the even-handed jibes (…backhanders!).
    The replicating of dialogue differences and setting of scene should be on the list of every teacher of writing.
    Very sensible of you to have avoided the differences in romance partners: Brit-Knee (sic) v Pip; Kerosene (pron “Ker-ross-sin-nee”…actual student’s name) v Genevieve; Shaylee v Charles.
    Would love to see a future blog on physical descriptions such as:
    Hairstyles: rattail v silver contour; mullet v regular taper.
    Headwear: hoodie v fedora; beanie (with camouflage pattern) v panama.
    Teeth: the closest Rugby feature a mungo mate of mine ever attained was his top tier of teeth resembling the Wallaby front row – same colour, matching level of attractiveness, similar misalignment and same number.
    BTW – Never listen to a League mate when asking for the spelling of ‘Swineherder’.
    I’ll enjoy the rest of the articles and pass them on…where appropriate.
    Thanks for the entertainment.


  2. Nice one Jase. A daily discussion /dispute amongst my workmates. As a private school educated (wasted) plumber, I get all the jibes, not helped by me supporting the mighty Sea Eagles either.


  3. But Jase, Where does an erudite, urbane, sophisticated, fully paid up member of The South Sydney Rugby League Football Club who lives in Roseville fit in your footballing demographic? Or am I just pretentious white trash with a bit of cash?


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