August 14, 2017 by writehandman.com.au
Every third person on the Upper and Lower North Shore, has a law degree. They’re my people, so I’m not anti-lawyer. However…
After a thousand beers, I was busting at a Hornswood Christmas party. There were four people in the toilet cue, so I discreetly headed to the backyard (I know, I know, it’s uncivilised, but my wife had already left, so I had no etiquette compass).
On my way I heard two cigar-smoking guys on chairs in the backyard, mention NRL, so I got sidetracked. I shook the hand of the first guy, Jack Townsend. I went to do the same with the big guy. He put his hand forward, patronisingly limply.
Me – (with a friendly smile) “Jeez mate, your hand’s so flaccid I thought you wanted me to kiss it!”
Jack laughed. Old limp-hand, not so much.
Old limp-hand – “Oh how terribly droll. I am Thomas Davies the third, SC.”
Me – “SC?” I pondered. “You’re not… Santa Claus?” I jokingly pointed at his large gut. “I’m Jase Gram… TCEB.”
Old limp-hand/Thomas Davies III – “SC… Senior Council.”
I realised Thomas Davies III wasn’t taking the piss. That’s actually the way he introduced himself.
Thomas Davies III – “To what does TCEB refer?”
I felt a little inadequate.
Me – “Oh… I thought we were just mucking around. It stands for The… The Clint Eastwood of Bloggers.”
That made him laugh. At me!
Me – “Thomas Davies the third. I know that name.”
Thomas Davies III – “A lot of people do.”
Me – “Weren’t you the rich old guy on Gilligan’s Island?”
Me – “Is that a Pommy accent I hear Thommo? You-”
Thomas Davies III (interjecting) – “No, I am just educated. It’s Thomas, in point of fact!”
Me – “Did I hear you lads mention NRL?” The hostility was getting me down.
Thomas Davies III – “I would only mention the NRL if I was in court defending one of their players.” He looked at my drink. “Why am I not surprised you put Coca Cola in your whiskey?” They smiled at each other rudely.
Me – “It’s rum, in point of fact!”
Got him again.
Thomas Davies III – “Do not take this the wrong way, however I have little desire to talk with you.”
Me – “Hmmm, how many ways can I take that?”
Thomas Davies III – “I just don’t think either of us will gain anything, from us having a colloquy.”
Me – “A what?”
Thomas Davies III – “A conversation.” Damn, he was smart.
I was desperate to urinate and he wanted me to leave, but I did not want to give him the satisfaction.
Thomas Davies III – “You simply will not be able to contribute on our topic?”
Me – “Oh yeah? Upon what topic are you palavering?”
Got him a third time. I’ll see your colloquy and raise you one palaver!
Thomas Davies III – “The law.”
Me – “The law it is then, Thomas Davies…” I deliberately left off “the third”.
Thomas Davies III – “Unless you are a lawyer… you… wont… understand. Are you?”
Me – “Well… no I’m not, but you didn’t know that.”
Thomas Davies III – “You don’t look like a lawyer.”
Me – “I’ll take that as a compliment!”
Thomas Davies III – “It wasn’t meant as one.”
Me – “Too late! I have taken it.”
Got him once again.
My bladder was about to explode, but I wasn’t budging.
Thomas Davies III – “You’re a blogger. How cute. To the housewives about cooking or makeup? Obviously not clothes.” He sure knew how to hurt.
He pulled out a pocket watch and checked the time.
Me – “So bloggers can’t be intellectual hey? Tell that to Richard Van Der Sande.” Fake name.
Thomas Davies III – “Who?”
Me (to Jack Townsend, I pointed my thumb sideways at Thomas and said dismissively) – “This guy.”
Got him. It had become easy.
Me – “It’s been wonderful Law Dogs, but I have to urinate.”
Thomas Davies III – “Charming.”
Me (as I walked towards the back fence) – “You the urine police? WHO WEARS A THREE-PIECE SUIT TO A PARTY ANYWAY?” I gave him the bird over my shoulder.
Thomas Davies III – “IN A SUIT IS HOW I AM MOST COMFORTABLE.” Man, he had an answer for everything.
I had never been in my mate’s yard before. In the darkness I didn’t notice it dropped away at a 45 degree angle. I stepped out and in a shower of rum and Coke plummeted into the abyss. I tore all the muscles on the top of my left foot (which was to take about a year to repair) and was rolling around in absolute agony. I couldn’t walk.
Me – “FELLAS! HELP!” Silence.
Me – “JACK! THOMMO? BE THE FIRST TO HELP A POTENTIAL LITIGANT?” Further silence.
I was hobbled. I had to swallow my pride.
Me – “THOMAS DAVIES THE THIRD?”
Thomas Davies III – “Yeeees?”
Finally they came down and helped carry me back towards the house.
Me – “Either of you know a GOOD lawyer?”
I was in intense pain and had drink all over my shirt.
Me – “Lads… I still have to piss.”
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