Every third person on the Upper and Lower North Shore, has a law degree. They’re my people, so I’m not anti-lawyer. However…
After a thousand beers, I was busting at a Hornswood Christmas party. There were four people in the toilet cue, so I discreetly headed to the backyard (I know, I know, it’s uncivilised, but my wife had already left, so I had no etiquette compass).
On my way I heard two cigar-smoking guys on chairs in the backyard, mention NRL, so I got sidetracked. I shook the hand of the first guy, Jack Townsend. I went to do the same with the big guy. He put his hand forward, patronisingly limply.
Me – (with a friendly smile) “Jeez mate, your hand’s so flaccid I thought you wanted me to kiss it!”
Jack laughed. Old limp-hand, not so much.
Old limp-hand – “Oh how terribly droll. I am Thomas Davies the third, SC.”
Me – “SC?” I pondered. “You’re not… Santa Claus?” I jokingly pointed at his large gut. “I’m Jase Gram… TCEB.”
Old limp-hand/Thomas Davies III – “SC… Senior Council.”
I realised Thomas Davies III wasn’t taking the piss. That’s actually the way he introduced himself.
Thomas Davies III – “To what does TCEB refer?”
I felt a little inadequate.
Me – “Oh… I thought we were just mucking around. It stands for The… The Clint Eastwood of Bloggers.”
That made him laugh. At me!
Me – “Thomas Davies the third. I know that name.”
Thomas Davies III – “A lot of people do.”
Me – “Weren’t you the rich old guy on Gilligan’s Island?”
Me – “Is that a Pommy accent I hear Thommo? You-”
Thomas Davies III (interjecting) – “No, I am just educated. It’s Thomas, in point of fact!”
Me – “Did I hear you lads mention NRL?” The hostility was getting me down.
Thomas Davies III – “I would only mention the NRL if I was in court defending one of their players.” He looked at my drink. “Why am I not surprised you put Coca Cola in your whiskey?” They smiled at each other rudely.
Me – “It’s rum, in point of fact!”
Got him again.
Thomas Davies III – “Do not take this the wrong way, however I have little desire to talk with you.”
Me – “Hmmm, how many ways can I take that?”
Thomas Davies III – “I just don’t think either of us will gain anything, from us having a colloquy.”
Me – “A what?”
Thomas Davies III – “A conversation.” Damn, he was smart.
I was desperate to urinate and he wanted me to leave, but I did not want to give him the satisfaction.
Thomas Davies III – “You simply will not be able to contribute on our topic?”
Me – “Oh yeah? Upon what topic are you palavering?”
Got him a third time. I’ll see your colloquy and raise you one palaver!
Thomas Davies III – “The law.”
Me – “The law it is then, Thomas Davies…” I deliberately left off “the third”.
Thomas Davies III – “Unless you are a lawyer… you… wont… understand. Are you?”
Me – “Well… no I’m not, but you didn’t know that.”
Thomas Davies III – “You don’t look like a lawyer.”
Me – “I’ll take that as a compliment!”
Thomas Davies III – “It wasn’t meant as one.”
Me – “Too late! I have taken it.”
Got him once again.
My bladder was about to explode, but I wasn’t budging.
Thomas Davies III – “You’re a blogger. How cute. To the housewives about cooking or makeup? Obviously not clothes.” He sure knew how to hurt.
He pulled out a pocket watch and checked the time.
Me – “So bloggers can’t be intellectual hey? Tell that to Richard Van Der Sande.” Fake name.
Thomas Davies III – “Who?”
Me (to Jack Townsend, I pointed my thumb sideways at Thomas and said dismissively) – “This guy.”
Got him. It had become easy.
Me – “It’s been wonderful Law Dogs, but I have to urinate.”
Thomas Davies III – “Charming.”
Me (as I walked towards the back fence) – “You the urine police? WHO WEARS A THREE-PIECE SUIT TO A PARTY ANYWAY?” I gave him the bird over my shoulder.
Thomas Davies III – “IN A SUIT IS HOW I AM MOST COMFORTABLE.” Man, he had an answer for everything.
I had never been in my mate’s yard before. In the darkness I didn’t notice it dropped away at a 45 degree angle. I stepped out and in a shower of rum and Coke plummeted into the abyss. I tore all the muscles on the top of my left foot (which was to take about a year to repair) and was rolling around in absolute agony. I couldn’t walk.
Me – “FELLAS! HELP!” Silence.
Me – “JACK! THOMMO? BE THE FIRST TO HELP A POTENTIAL LITIGANT?” Further silence.
I was hobbled. I had to swallow my pride.
Me – “THOMAS DAVIES THE THIRD?”
Thomas Davies III – “Yeeees?”
Finally they came down and helped carry me back towards the house.
Me – “Either of you know a GOOD lawyer?”
I was in intense pain and had drink all over my shirt.
Me – “Lads… I still have to piss.”
Thanks for reading my blog, where I put my heart and soul down in words, for you!
What’s new? I love my Sea Eagles, but Manly make it EXTREMELY difficult to be loyal.
Like a noble, armour-clad knight astride a powerful war-steed, in dogged pursuit of my elusive dream to one day make a living as a writer/blogger, I’ve started writing emails for small businesses, to entertain and entice their customers.
Imagine “Hornswood Pool Shop”, who if they exist are probably spamming customers a few times a year. When it comes to catchy writing that people will actually read, Hornswood Pool Shop are good at… pools.
Perfect pH, but their communications though accurate and informative… are also boring and sadly perish, unloved and unopened.
But thanks to me, their campaigns can be worshiped by the people!
Opened. Read! Cherished!! Held aloft, like the Life of Brian shoe or that chubby little Lion King.
At the moment I’m… low-tariff, because I’m just starting (despite often nearly doubling industry open-rates). Know any businesses who could benefit from having wonder and awe sent out to their database? You’ll allow me to continue claiming at parties much to my wife’s chagrin, that I am in fact, a writer.
If you could Like or Share, to help me become famous, would be wonderful. Twitter? https://twitter.com/writehandman99