MACCAS IS UNJUST – Jase Gram (hornswoodexpress.com.au)

7

January 25, 2018 by writehandman.com.au

At McDonald’s, I get treated like everybody else. I queue up, order, eat, leave.

It’s extraordinarily unfair!

I have been an obsessively staunch supporter of Macca’s my entire life (especially since discovering my KFC-retention problem, so the Dirty Bird is now dead to me). I have pumped infinitely more money in over the years, than anybody else I know.

I deserve recognition far and above those who only look at Macca’s as a place to have a Mc-piss on a long trip.

Here’s how it should go –

Casually walking into a North Shore Macca’s, ignoring the protests I go straight to the front of the line and raise my hand towards the 19-year-old staff member, Tommy. I show him my thick, “M” emblazoned gold ring. The youngster, thinking I was going for a fist-pump, is unimpressed with it.

Me – “This ring mean anything to you son?”

Tommy – “Nope.”

Me – “Good. It’s a few steps above your paygrade.”

Tommy – “Most things are.”

Me – “Go get your owner son. Say to him or her… the fat man walks alone. They’ll understand.”

The kid hesitates and then ambles off to the back room. The owner comes racing out after hearing the secret phrase. He looks nervous, is sweating and steals a wide-eyed ring-look.

Proprietor – “I had no idea you were coming Sir. I’m Benjamin Sherman. We don’t get many… McRing wearers in here.”

Me – “I’m not surprised Sherman. Not surprised at all.” I frowned.

Sherman looked crestfallen.

Me – “Just joking Sherman! You need to maintain a Mcsense of humour.”

Sherman – “Oh, joking. Right.” He giggled uneasily.

Sherman noticed the large, middle-aged man working the chip fryer. A button around his gut, under more pressure than any button deserved, had popped open. The proprietor raced over to the man, who looked over to me questioningly and did the button up.

Me – “DON’T CHASTISE HIM SHERMAN! THIS MAN IS A SHINING EXAMPLE OF THE McSTANDARDS WE SHOULD ALL ASPIRE TO.”

Me (to the gut-baring fryer-master) – “GOOD WORK. IT’S WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU HAVE BEEN SUPPORTING THE PRODUCT.” I turn my eyes to Sherman. “You could afford to stack on a few kilos yourself Sherman.”

Sherman (to Tommy) – “Let’s prepare a fresh Big Mac pronto Tommy! One that’s been sitting on the tray is not good enough for a McRinger. And let’s throw a heap of extra salt on the chips, a bit more lard on the meat pattie, a couple of extra pickles, upsize that Coke Zero and while you’re at it… don’t skimp on the Big Mac sauce!”

The proprietor looked to me for approval. I let him hang for a few seconds before commenting.

Me – “I like the cut of your jib, Sherman.”

The digital board showing the other customer’s order numbers went blank, until my order was ready. Then a big Number 1, flashed up and I collected my food.

As I ate at a table, Tommy (the three of them staring at me intently from behind the counter) and the fryer-master, asked my story. He turned to the two of them.

Sherman – “He a wearer… of the McRing!”

Gut-baring fryer-master (sucked in air) – “Wow! A what?”

Sherman – “The McRingers are more a part of Macca’s success, than the Happy Meal, our ‘do you want fries with that’ and the highly addictive qualities of salt, sugar and fat, all combined!”

Sherman gave me a little wave. I didn’t notice.

Sherman – “We don’t know from where the McRingers come, but he’s one of the reasons you have a career boys. The McRingers are personal friends with… Ronald McDonald himself, our founding father, Grimace and The Hamburglar. They helped us win the war in the 80’s against that accursed Colonel Sanders.” He waved a fist in the air. “Some men have eaten so much from our restaurant chain, so often, with no thought to their personal wellbeing, that they become… McLegends.”

Fry-master – “He’s awesome.” He looked to me with admiration.

Sherman – “We proprietors have a saying – McRingers don’t have Junior Burgers, they have Senior Burgers. No McHappy Meals for them, it’s McEcstatic Meals. Their Big Macs, are Colossal Macs. Cheeseburgers are Brieburgers. Chicken McNuggets? Uh uh, Pheasant McNugget. Their Hash Browns? Real hash!”

Tommy looked shocked.

Sherman – “Just joking on that one Tommy. No Quarter Pounders for McRingers, One-Third Pounders. McFeasts become McOrgys.”

I stood to leave. Sherman nodded respectfully.

As I walked past them, towards the door, I stopped. They all stiffened.

Me – “Sherman. First rule of McClub?” I didn’t look at him.

Tommy and fry-man realised the McRing was just the tip of the iceberg and there is so much more they didn’t know.

Sherman – “Never talk about McClub.”

Me – “Second?” I turned and looked him in the eye.

Sherman – “Never talk… about McClub.”

Me – “McShermanator, I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

He grinned from ear to ear and beamed with pride. Tommy and fry-man, high-fived and then hugged.

Thanks heaps for reading my blog. Check out my new writing business which allows me to claim at parties I am a professional writer (www.hornswoodexpress.com.au). If you could Like or Share or send my blog to a friend, it’d be wonderful. Cheers.

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7 thoughts on “MACCAS IS UNJUST – Jase Gram (hornswoodexpress.com.au)

  1. Tyler says:

    Your paean to Maccas is amusing Jase but a little sad. I was going to say moving from KFC to Maccas was like going from heroin to methadone but really it’s just buying your heroin from a new dealer.
    Of course there is nobody so critical of smokers than an ex smoker so I must confess to a dark Maccas past: when Gen worked for Opera Australia it was dinner for one most week nights. Not being arsed cooking for one I succumbed to the siren call of Stanmore Maccas most nights for several years. So tell me Jase, where can I get one of those fucking rings?

    Like

  2. Big Show says:

    As a fellow wearer of the McRing and member of McClub, I thoroughly enjoyed this blog. I, too, feel that I have contributed to the success of the Great Franchise. I had a similar experience when displaying my McRing at a Hornswood Maccas. I could have sworn I heard the burger-flipper say to the McFlurry kid, did those arches just glow a little more golden when that guy walked past? It’s an honour that only those of us with true girth can enjoy. A great blog – your best yet.

    Like

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