At McDonald’s, I get treated like everybody else. I queue up, order, eat, leave.
It’s extraordinarily unfair!
I have been an obsessively staunch supporter of Macca’s my entire life (especially since discovering my KFC-retention problem, so the Dirty Bird is now dead to me). I have pumped infinitely more money in over the years than anybody else I know.
I deserve recognition far and above those normal Hornswood people who only look at Macca’s as a place to have a Mc-piss on a long trip.
Here’s how it should go –
Casually walking into Hornswood Macca’s, ignoring the protests I go straight to the front of the line and raise my hand towards the 19-year-old staff member, Tommy. I show him my thick, “M” emblazoned gold ring. The youngster, thinking I was going for a fist-pump is unimpressed with it.
Me – “Does this ring mean anything to you son?”
Tommy – “Nope.”
Me – “Good. It’s a few steps above your paygrade.”
Tommy – “Most things are.”
Me – “Go get your proprietor son. Say to them… the fat man walks alone. They’ll understand.”
The kid hesitates and then ambles off to the back room. The owner comes racing out after hearing the secret phrase. He looks nervous, is sweating and steals a wide-eyed look at my ring.
Proprietor – “I had no idea you were coming to my restaurant today Sir. I’m Benjamin Sherman. Benny. We don’t get many… McRing wearers in here.”
Me (looking around distainfully) – “I am not surprised to hear that, Sherman. Not surprised at all.” I frowned.
Sherman looked crestfallen.
Me – “Just joking Sherman! You need to maintain a McSense of humour.”
Sherman – “Oh, joking. Right.” He giggled uneasily.
Sherman noticed the large, middle-aged man working the chip fryer. A button around his gut, under more pressure than any button deserved to be, had popped open. The proprietor raced over and spoke into the big man’s ear, who then looked over to me questioningly and did the button up.
Me – “DON’T CHASTISE HIM SHERMAN! THIS MAN IS A SHINING EXAMPLE OF THE McSTANDARDS WE SHOULD ALL ASPIRE TO.”
Me (to the gut-baring fryer-master) – “GOOD WORK. IT’S WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU HAVE BEEN SUPPORTING THE PRODUCT.” I turn my eyes to Sherman. “You could afford to stack on a few kilos yourself Sherman.”
Sherman (to young Tommy) – “Let’s prepare a fresh Big Mac pronto Tommy! One that’s been sitting on the tray is not good enough for a McRinger. And let’s throw a heap of extra salt on the chips, a bit more lard on the meat pattie, a couple of extra pickles, upsize that Coke Zero and while you’re at it… don’t skimp on the Big Mac sauce!”
The proprietor looked to me for approval. I let him hang for a few seconds before commenting.
Me – “I like the cut of your McJib, Sherman.”
The digital board showing the other customer’s order numbers went blank, until my order was ready. Then a big Number 1, flashed up and I collected my food.
As I ate at a table, Tommy, the fryer-master and Sherman stared at me intently from behind the counter. The stout fryer-master asked what was my story and Sherman turned to the two of them.
Sherman – “He a wearer… of the McRing!”
Fryer-master (sucked in air) – “Wow! A what?”
Sherman – “The McRingers are more a part of Macca’s success over the years, than the Happy Meal, our ‘do you want fries with that’ and the highly addictive qualities of salt, sugar and fat, all combined!”
Sherman gave me a little wave. I didn’t notice.
Sherman – “We don’t know from where the McRingers have come, but he’s one of the reasons you have a career boys. The McRingers are personal friends with our founding father… Ronald McDonald himself, Grimace and The Hamburglar. They helped us win the war in the 80’s against that accursed Colonel Sanders.” He waved a fist in the air. “Some men have eaten so much product from our restaurant chain, so often, with no thought to their personal wellbeing, that they become… McLegends.”
Fry-master – “Whoaaa.” He stared at me with admiration. “He’s awesome.“
Sherman – “We proprietors have a saying – McRingers don’t have Junior Burgers, they have Senior Burgers. No McHappy Meals for them, it’s McEcstatic Meals. Their Big Macs, are Colossal Macs. Cheeseburgers are Brieburgers. Chicken McNuggets? Uh uh, Pheasant McNuggets. Their Hash Browns? Real hash!”
Tommy looked shocked.
Sherman – “Just joking on that last one Tommy. No Quarter Pounders for McRingers, One-Third Pounders. McFeasts become McOrgys.”
I stood to leave. Sherman nodded respectfully.
As I walked past them, towards the door, I stopped. They all stiffened.
Me – “Sherman. Tell me about McClub!” I didn’t look at him.
Tommy and fry-man realised the McRing was just the tip of the iceberg and there is so much more they didn’t know.
Sherman – “I don’t know what you mean. I’ve never heard of any McClub.”
Me – “I repeat, tell me about McClub!” I turned and looked him in the eye.
Sherman – “I don’t know what you mean.”
Me – “McShermanator, I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”
He grinned from ear to ear and beamed with pride. Tommy and fry-man, high-fived and then hugged.
Thanks for reading. I write blogs oftentimes just to be able to claim when meeting a new person at a party, that I am in fact… a writer (whereby my wife generally jumps in and proclaims “HE’S NOT A WRITER”). If you could Share far and wide via the buttons below, that would be amazing. I write stuff for a few small companies but I need to one day be a famous contributor to the noble art of blogging. And check out the brilliant new craft-beer home delivery business I have set up with a few North Shore dads (gettincrafty.com.au) Cheers