March 21, 2016 by

Sometimes I get in trouble for occasionally saying inappropriate things. However, if you knew my siblings, you’d understand that it’s not my fault. It’s genetic.

My brother Linc, managed to completely offend a gathering of Hornswood mothers, last year.

His wife was working, they’d only moved to the area a few weeks earlier and he found himself invited to a Hornswood Primary School mother’s luncheon. He was the only bloke there.

Linc was a bit nervous about having lunch with ten women he’s never met. He’s a bit unsure what he’s going to add to the conversations of the ex accountants, lawyers, marketers and executives that often make up the Hornswood mother’s groups.

He was sitting, not saying much, with ten mums around a living room table. They were all talking up a storm, but he was content with a beer in front of him, a tiny but very tasty, chicken sandwich in one hand and a brown-rice sushi roll in the other.

A very tasty chicken sandwich. A very tasty chicken sandwich.

One of the mums spoke loudly to the hostess, who was seated at the other end of the table next to Linc.

Caroline – “How’d your sphincter-tightening operation go Suzy?”

Linc’s ears immediately pricked up. What the?? Sphincter-tightening? They do that?

Hostess Suzy – “All good Caroline. It’s still a little loose though. May need to have it done again.”

My brother was unsure what to say to such a public airing of such a private matter. But it made him think what the hell was I nervous about? These Hornswood mums clearly aren’t uptight at all. On the contrary! That Suzy looks like she’s snobby, but looks are obviously deceptive.

He was immediately reminded of a personal story he could recount, now that Suzy had set a surprisingly low tone and had made it permissible to tell any medical, below-the-waist stories.

Linc – “I never knew you could get that done, but I suppose we’re all getting older Suzy.”

Suzy looked at him, a little blankly.

Linc – “That makes me think ladies, of when I was going for my scuba diving license.”

He felt very sure everybody was going to enjoy his story and thought his was a step up from her sphincter-tightening. Everybody else had gone silent, he had the centre stage.

Linc – “To get your scuba license you have to give a urine sample. To make a long story short, they found blood in my urine, which turned out to be nothing, but I had to go in and have a camera put up the eye of my penis.”

He CERTAINLY had everybody’s attention.

Linc – “So I’m fully bombed out right, having the procedure, when suddenly I wake up! Now I was expecting the camera operator of course, doing his thing down there, but holy-shit, it looked like there was not just the cameraman, but a director, actors, two or three extras, a claperboard guy and the catering lady. It was a full house!”

“There was a cast of thousands all standing around watching as a bloke shoved a camera into the eye of my schlong. Then everybody stared at me as they realised I’d woken up, so being drugged, I panicked and started to writhe around. And writhing around is not something you want to do when somebody has shoved a camera into Vlad The Impaler.”

“Anyway, they bombed me out again and…”

Linc noticed that all the women were sitting in stony silence. He also noticed a few of them were looking a bit ashen faced and a couple had their mouths slightly ajar.

Hostess Suzy – “Oh… my… God. We’ve only just met you. Do you think it’s appropriate to tell a disgusting story like that in my house??”

Now my brother instantly felt highly embarrassed and more than a bit defensive. How had he so misread the acceptability or otherwise, of his account? He put his legs down on the ground, he had propped them up on his seat adding a bit of a demo to his story.

Linc – “What?? You were the one who told everybody you’d had your  BUTT-HOLE tightened and that it’s still too loose!!”

All the Hornswood mums sat still and silent.

My brother, Linc, learned two important lessons that day.

Number one – never, under any circumstances, berate a Hornswood mum about the tightening of her loose sphincter.

Number two – apparently we all have a sphincter… in… our… stomach! Suzy had had hers tightened and she may need to have it done again.

My brother left the gathering shortly after.

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  1. Far Kew says:

    Very funny. I even laughed at the caption for the tiny chicken sandwich. Following!


  2. Lisa says:

    Not sure what is funnier – the story or the comments.


  3. Angela Gallichan says:

    A beautiful story. Would bring a tear to a glass eye…


  4. Peter Cairns says:

    Your whole family is a disgrace Gram. enjoyed this one, keep em coming.


  5. Oracle says:

    i thought she was talking about her brown eye!


  6. Tyler says:

    It must be genetic. That’s right up there with your ” wow, you must have a really big vagina” comment. Have your wives formed a support group yet?


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