While my wife was shopping for stuff we simply couldn’t live without, I went to get a massage at “Majestic Hands”, a secluded little shop in Hornswood Westfield. It was magnificent. Dark with exotic Chinese music, relaxing running water and smelled wonderfully of incense. As soon as I walked in for my “Back, Neck and Shoulders/45 mins”, I started to relax.

Now I’m happily married, however I couldn’t help but be enthused by the “Majestic Hands” massage lady who led me to my little curtained-off oasis. She was absolutely stunning! She looked like Lucy Liu. Wow! I know her physical appearance is not relevant in this day and age and her ability to do the job is all that matters, however first and foremost I am a man… and she was red-hot! Life was good.

So, the massage progressed really well. I lapsed into a near-euphoric state, my muscles were loosening up like never before and I was developing quite a relationship with Lucy Liu (albeit a silent one). She just seemed to get stronger and stronger, and better and better at her trade as the time progressed.

Anyway, most disappointingly the time seemed to be eaten up in a blink of an eye. It was over. I was snapped out of my Lucy-Liutopia, had to open my eyes and I raised my head from the little face-hole in the massage table.

I wanted to have one last look at the stunning Lucy Liu to gauge the degree to which our time together had meant something to her. If our “Back, Neck and Shoulders/45 mins” had been as intimate for her, as it had been for me. I know she’s a professional, but surely that one was somehow… special.

I looked up, my eyes were cloudy and it was dark, but I fixed my gaze upon her.

I froze.

At some time during the massage, Lucy Liu had been replaced, with a very old-looking… dude!

HE LOOKED LIKE MR MYAGI.

THEY’D SWAPPED!!

I’D BEEN MAJESTIC HAND-SWAPPED!!

Now don’t get me wrong. I have two metal rods running the length of my spine and have had full spinal-fusion (long story), so I have had more massages, physio’s and chiro’s than most members of the Hornswood Golden Oldies Rugby Club. I am not anti-bloke massagers at all! On the contrary.

But I was MAJESTIC HAND-SWAPPED!! I was led to believe Lucy Liu was the one putting her hands all over me in an intimate way. Not Mr Myagi!

Lawyers, are “Majestic Hands” allowed to do that?? Are they not in breach of some “truth in advertising” laws? Did I not have some sort of implied contract with Lucy Liu? Should they not have to do some little tag-team slap to let me know somebody else had entered the relationship? Were they all standing around laughing about the guy on table 3 who thinks he’s having a Lucy Liu and he’s actually being Mr Myagi’d?

As I sheepishly got dressed in that dark little room, I wasn’t sure what to think. The allure of the last 3/4 of an hour had been turned on its head.

I paid and left. As I did so Mr Myagi looked up from his Chinese newspaper. He gave me a wink and a look that said you can come back any time big boy.

Later that night I was out with the lads.

Me – “I got a massage in Westfield today.” I stared into my bourbon and dry.

Paully – “Any good?” Paully stared up at the TAB screen.

Me – “NOTHING HAPPENED PAULLY. NOTHING HAPPENED!!”

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Thanks for reading. I write blogs oftentimes just to be able to claim when meeting a new person at a Hornswood party, that I am in fact… a writer (whereby my wife generally jumps in and proclaims “he’s actually NOT a writer”). If you could Share far and wide via the buttons below, that would be amazing. I write stuff for a few small companies, but I need to one day be a famous contributor to the noble art of blogging. And check out the brilliant new craft-beer home delivery business I have set up with a few North Shore dads (gettincrafty.com.au) Cheers