I came home the other night and I was… really, really drunk. No other way to describe it. Maggotted! Which I don’t do very often.
I struggled up my hallway, trying my best to make no noise, without turning on any lights. I didn’t want to bring any family attention to my… condition. I eventually made my way to the kitchen. I flicked on the light, revealing to my horror, sitting upon one of the apples in our fruit bowl, an enormous cockroach!
We both looked intently at one another. I felt myself swaying due to my intoxication, so I grabbed the bench to steady my wobbling body.
Me – (to the cockie) COCKIE! Where’s my spray?
I was in no condition to be in control of toxic gas but I looked around for the can.
Cockroach (to me) – My name’s Lenny, and I f#cking hate humans! You see this apple I’m sitting on?
This was not a situation I was expecting, to say the very least.
Me – Um… yeah.
I didn’t really look at the apple. I looked around the kitchen. I was indeed alone, just me… and the cockie.
Cockroach – I had wild sex with my wife on that apple, two nights ago. And this red one next to it, I shat on that, just last night. And that yellow nectarine there next to the apple, my wife and I had sex on that one about an hour ago! So, UP YOURS human! I hope you enjoy the taste.
The cockie looked at me smugly.
Now I knew I was pissed, however I just stared at the talking cockie, absolutely incredulous. Stunned.
Me – HOW much sex, are you getting???
Cockroach – As much as I want man. I’m a f#cking cockroach! We don’t have fancy cars, fancy holidays, nice clothes, all we do is eat, drink and have sex!
I nodded, impressed.
Me – Quality? Maybe his world wasn’t so perfect after all!
Cockroach – Superb! So F#CK YOU MAN. I HATE ALL YOU HUMANS.
I was getting a bit annoyed by his aggression.
Me – Just wind it back a bit mate. Maybe we don’t like you and your type either.
Cockroach – UP YOURS! ALL HUMANS ARE LOSERS!
Me – Well… at least we don’t have the word “cock” in our name.
I wish I had somebody there I could high-five. I smiled at him. That one put him back in his place.
Cockroach – A few times a week, me and my cousin Shane, try to wipe our arses across your mouth without waking you up.
Me – WHAT??? YOU MOTHER F#CKERS! He’d crossed the line.
Cockroach – And old Shano scratches his balls on your toothbrush most nights. It’s the blue one right? He says it makes his nether regions smell nice and minty, for the ladies, if you know what I mean. He chuckled.
Me – BASTARDS!
I reached for the can of Pea Beau on top of the fridge, and then had to hold onto the fridge to steady myself again.
Cockroach – What are you going to f#cking do man? Spray the whole f#cking bowl of fruit?
He had a point.
Me – MAYBE I SHOULD JUST SQUASH THE WHITE CUSTARD OUT OF YOU. Get out of my house Lenny! This is not going to end well.
Cockroach – Your house??? Yours? My ancestors have lived here for 39 years mate, so f#ck you!
I thought it was time to take a bit of the heat out of the confrontation.
Me – How many kids you got?
Cockroach – Fourteen thousand, seven hundred and four, spread all over Hornswood. He clicked his fingers.
Cockroach – Actually, fourteen thousand, seven hundred and two, due to an issue with some baits under a fridge in St Ives on the weekend.
Me – I’m sorry to hear that Lenny.
I’m not completely heartless.
Cockroach – No… you’re… NOT!
Me – True, I’m not. Now, I’m going to have to kill you… Lenny.
Cockroach – GO F#CK YOURSELF. SHANE AND I’LL BE SEEING YOU IN ABOUT TWO HOURS. ENJOY THE F#CKED-ON FRUIT MATE. I CERTAINLY DID. Remember, we can survive a nuclear blast. WE MAKE YOUR WOMEN SCREAM!
Me – Hey, that’s gender stereotyping Lenny!
I raised the Pea Beau and Lenny raced off the apple and ran down the side of the bowl. Can in hand I circled the bowl, but he wasn’t there!
I lifted it up, but like magic he was gone. He had disappeared. I thought, how do they do that?
The next morning I was hung-over like a dog and my wife asked me why the fruit bowl and my toothbrush were sitting in the fridge. I didn’t know what to tell her.
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