BOOZE-BUSTERS

Ladies of Hornswood!

Is seemingly every square-inch of spare room in your cellar, cluttered up with your husband’s bottles of alcohol? Want to reclaim some space?

Do you have nowhere to put your drinks? Or no place to store your Pilates gear?

Does he seem to spend more time thinking about his expensive old scotch than he does about you?

Who you gonna call?

BOOZE-BUSTERS

You just call Cool Hand (my self-ascribed poker call-sign) and on a Friday/Saturday night that is convenient for you, I will arrive at your house with 6-8 Hornswood dads and drink ALL your husband’s booze!

🎼 When the space runs out.

And you’re ready to shout!

Who you gonna call?

BOOZE-BUSTERS!!

Need your cellar bare?

When your hubby aint there.

Who you gonna call?

BOOZE-BUSTERS!! 🎼

Sounds too good to be true? It isn’t. Here’s the answers to all the important questions you may have:

1. Do I need to deliver the alcohol somewhere myself?

Not with Booze-Busters. We come to you.

2. Are Booze-Busters accredited?

Absolutely. I have been working with every one of my personally-selected Booze-Busters crew for years! You needn’t worry, they are HIGHLY experienced and each one can consume PLENTY. They are so committed to their craft that most of them now PREFER drinking a customer’s husband’s booze, to their own.

3. Are we affordable?

Sure are. The first six sessions are FREE.

4. Will you drink it ALL?

No worries about that! I am so confident in my drinkers, that if we don’t get through it all in one night, we will be back the next Friday/Saturday night and hit your clutter again. And if necessary, the one after that, and the one after that. Mid-week sessions are available by special appointment, but honestly, we do our best work on the weekends.

5. Will I gain heaps of extra space?

Absolutely. We guarantee to at least halve the amount of room your husband is selfishly hogging (let’s not be afraid to call it what it really is).

SATISFACTION IS 100% GUARANTEED*

(*ours at least)

6. You don’t just focus on the cheap alcohol do you?

No way. My experts will start at the very top and work their way down. The first bottles to go will be those annoying ones taking up all your valuable space in those wooden boxes, then we move onto any ones just collecting dust. The bottom shelf we drink last!

7. Do I need to provide anything special?

Not with our service you don’t. If there is Rugby or NRL to watch the 6-8 dads will just plonk ourselves down right there on your couch and commence de-cluttering. If there’s nothing on, don’t worry, we bring our own poker table. We provide everything that’s required at no extra charge (poker chips, Spotify, snacks, a bag of party ice and even mixers).

8. Will my husband be happy?

How could he not?

Your husband – Where’s all my expensive booze?? Did you move it?

You – Oh I did much better than that darling. I called the experts… at Booze-Busters!

Your husband – Wow, Booze-Busters! That’s awesome! I’ve heard Cool Hand and the guys are very thorough. We’ll finally have so much more room in that cellar. Thank you honey, come here and give me a kiss*

(*husband reaction not guaranteed)

9. What’s the best time?

In our experience, the entire process goes much more smoothly when your husband is either out for the night, or ideally away on a business trip. It’s more impactful for him to arrive home and find ALL his booze gone, than him being present watching each bottle consumed. You know what husbands are like at letting go of ANYTHING.

10. Will my husband mind having so many men drinking in my house?

To avoid any… awkward situations, all my team of Hornswood dads were selected first and foremost on being particularly unattractive. No pool-boy-type problems with Booze-Busters.

Anyway, he’s probably seen our van driving around town. The one big enough to fit a poker table that has the number plate “6-8 ALCOS.”

11. What if my husband is the stay-at-home type and I can’t get rid of him for Booze-Busters to do their work?

No problemo. If it’s an Rugby/NRL couch night, he can just join us. If it’s poker then he can sit down at the table and play with us while we work.*

(*inexperienced poker players only)

12. How will I know how much alcohol you actually drank for us?

Included in the price, we line up all the empty bottles in a row so you can see exactly how much work we have done during the night. It’s all part of our good old-fashioned service.

CUSTOMER FEEDBACK – (Natalia from Hornswood.)

I had Cool Hand and the Booze-Busters team around on the weekend. They were highly recommended but just in case, I checked in on the boys quite a few times, crowded around their big poker table. There was not one moment they weren’t hard at it, drinking our clutter away. Thank you Booze-Busters, I now have some non-cluttered space for my things. I cannot wait until my husband Andrew gets home. He’ll be amazed how many bottles you cleared out of his cellar (it’s been all about him down there, for years). I cannot speak of this service highly enough.

Thank you Booze-Busters. YOU’RE THE BEST!! Natalia.

Divorce packages available – we know it can be a stressful time, so if you’re a couple splitting-up we remove all the booze and drink it off-site.

Just give Cool Hand and my Booze-Busters team a call on 1800-6-8ALCOS (free call).

Thanks for reading. I write blogs oftentimes just to claim at parties much to my wife’s chagrin, that I am in fact… a writer. If you could Share far and wide via the buttons below, that would be amazing. I write stuff for a few small companies but I need to one day be a famous contributor to the noble art of blogging. And check out my brilliant new craft-beer home delivery business I set up with a few North Shore dads (gettincrafty.com.au) Cheers

A BLACKOUT MOMENT

A few years ago, I set up a funky little Surry Hills-type bar (at least we thought it was) with one of my oldest mates from school. It was located in Lindfield and was called “The Blackout.” We ran it for two years and ticked it off the bucket-list however too many late nights and too much fun nearly made our wives leave us, so we sold it.

One night we had four couples come in, settle at their table and proceed to eat and drink heartily. A little too heartily in fact and one of the guys over the next few hours got really pissed and started to become loud and aggressive. The other six in the party had to sit there awkwardly while this tosser proceeded to have a big fight with his wife and was terribly rude to my young staff.

Tosser was one of those guys who turned into Donald Trump once the grog kicked in. His was so bellicose after his fight with his wife, that eventually one of my young waitresses asked me to be the one to tell him that we had run out of the particular wine he wanted.

The Blackout was crowded and chaotic that night (as it often was when we had it) but I made my way through the throng and explained the situation nice-as-pie to Tosser.

He yell-slurred – “YOU’RE FU*KIN’ KIDDIN’ ME? I’M USED TO EATIN’ IN BEST RESTAURANTS IN THE CITY MATE, YOU CAN AT LEAST HAVE ALL THE FUCKIN’ WINES ON YOUR MENU MENU.

He was loving getting up me in front of his mates and knew as the proprietor all I could do was stand there and take it. I wondered if Tosser knew he’d just bellowed MENU twice. Keeping it friendly I apologised and asked him to select another.

Tosser then stood, wobbled, got right in my face, put two fingers against my chest and poked me. Hard.

I was shocked and a bit embarrassed, but didn’t do anything. However then he yelled at me – “GO AN’ GET THE FU*KIN’ BOTTLE I ORDERED. AN’ DO IT NOW.” Tosser shoved me. Shoved me! Spittle was coming from his mouth.

I HAD BEEN TOSSER-SHOVED.

Now I’m a big guy (112.9kg which I obviously round down to 112) and I wouldn’t normally stand for this sort of disrespect, but I’m in my own bar! I couldn’t get into a scuffle with a patron and for all I knew Tosser could be the North Shore Karate champion (but he looked more like potentially a Lindfield Palates champion). But this guy was pissed, yelling, swearing and shoving. I needed to do something. He was scaring people.

I slowly put down the two Asahis I was carrying. I’m no fighter but I know I look like I may be one. So I came right up to Tosser and whispered in his ear in my calmest, Clint Eastwood voice.

You’re making a fu*king goose of yourself mate. Sit the fu*k down, or I’ll sit you down.

Tosser had a moment of instant sobering clarity which snapped him out of his red wine-induced I’m-Donald-Trump delusion. You could see a look came over his face that said – What the fu*k and I doing? I’m pissed and about to get into a fight with the proprietor of my local, who’s much bigger than me, just because he doesn’t have the Claire Valley Shiraz.

One of his mates told him to sit down and Tosser used the excuse to do exactly that, without looking like he did it because I had told him to. In the two years despite having to tell MANY people that it was closing time and they had to leave, even when they were having a great night and didn’t want to, it was the only time I had to diffuse a potentially physical situation.

Anyway, Tosser became a lot quieter and did not give any crap to the waitresses after that. About 11:30 his party was preparing to leave. I was walking past with a jug of Pina Coladas, some bloke moved his bar stool back and I clipped my foot. Having never worked in a bar even when I was young, I do not have any waiter-type reflexes. I tripped.

Then it was like a cheap action movie and everything seemed to happen in ultra-slow motion. My thoughts in those short moments were pure and simply about avoiding falling to the ground and I had zero concern for what was in my hands. Flailing like an infant, I saw people’s faces contort knowing what was coming, my arms swam in the air desperate for purchase on something and I released the Pina-jug.

It landed on Tosser’s chest and splashed into his lap.

He looked like he’d been dipped in milk and his friends all laughed hysterically.

It was terrible. It was a complete accident and I apologised, possibly less sincerely that I should have, however it looked like I’d Pina-Coladad him on purpose. Tosser stormed out, swearing, abusing, shoving and slopping all over our beautiful black and white tiled floor.

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Walking my 500 metres home after closing that night, I kept an eye out assuming Tosser may try to run me down in his Lexus. The Google review he left us at 1:33 that morning, was… scathing.

Google ReviewTonight I was assaulted in The Blackout. The proprietor hurled a jug of alcohol right on top of my very expensive suit on purpose because I questioned how one wine on the menu was non-existent! Nothing like this has ever happened before to me. I am considering legal action. NEVER go to this establishment or the same thing may happen to you. It was assault.

Google ReplyI completely apologise for tripping over and spilling a drink on you. It was an absolute accident and in no way deliberate. My apologies again.

Google Comment (from his mate) – Phil, you were an absolute dickhead, a bully and even though we all know it was accidental, you deserved it. Shit like that happens to you all the time because you’re just flat out rude. And by the way, your suit wasn’t that expensive.

Thanks for reading. I write blogs oftentimes just to claim at parties much to my wife’s chagrin, that I am in fact… a writer. If you could Share far and wide via the buttons below, that would be amazing. I write stuff for a few small companies but I need to one day be a famous contributor to the noble art of blogging. And check out my brilliant new craft-beer home-delivery business I set up with a few North Shore dads (gettincrafty.com.au) Cheers