That brilliant series “Spartacus”, had a wild orgy scene. It was extremely raunchy, lots of hot, slave women getting it on with muscled-up gladiators and Roman soldiers, and being true to the era, there was also quite a bit of bloke-on-bloke action.
It got me wondering about the casting process…
Sean Wildman, a young dude who did plenty of theatre in College, left his family and girlfriend in Iowa, hoping to follow his dream in Hollywood.
He got his first break and was offered one of the “Spartacus” extras roles. He was over the moon.
Sean’s agent had already told him he’s going to be in the orgy scene and only got the gig because he looks so good with his gear off, but what the hell. You have to start somewhere.
So the fifteen or so muscle-bound blokes who are going to be playing the gladiators and Romans in the orgy, are waiting in one big room. Leonard, the camp Director’s-assistant is reading off his clipboard and telling everybody their specific, extras roles for the filming that afternoon.
Director’s-assistant Leonard – “Ok gents, quiet please. Listen up now”. He clapped against his clipboard. “The ladies are preparing in the other room, and I’m here to let you beautiful boys know who’s with who, for this upcoming orgy scene.”
They all fell silent. Nervous anticipation hovered over the room.
Leonard – “ROCKO GIBSON?”
Rocko, who was sitting at the back of the room stuck up his hand.
Rocko – “Yes sir Mr Leonard!”
Leonard – “Rocko, you’re going to be doing it up against the statue of Caesar with the stunning Yazmeen Whittaker. She plays the African warrior princess.”
Rocko – “Thank you sir”. Rocko was understandably happy.
Leonard – “Don’t thank me Rocko, just make this scene brilliant! That will be thanks enough”. He ticked Rocko’s name off his list.
Leonard – “ALISTAIR MORECOMBE? PUT YOUR HAND UP ALISTAIR”. Alistair did so. “Ok, you are a lucky man Alistair and my, but you have gorgeous blue eyes. You’re with the striking Melanie Driver on the red velvet cushions. She plays a volatile Spanish sex-slave”.
Alistair nodded happily.
Leonard – “Jeremy Holter, Kyle Maxer and Johnny Bullet?” They all popped up their hands. “You boys are all on the tiger skin rug with the beautiful Denise Royal, Emma Rock and Daphne Gall, who are playing Greek slave girls. You can work out with the ladies who goes with who”. The lads looked pleased.
Leonard – “Sean Wildman?”
Sean threw up his hand excitedly. He was a long way from Iowa now.
Leonard – “Sean you’re bent over the giant urn in front of Big Frank, gladiator’s guard”. He ticked his list. “Tony Polster and Tommy Warner? You’re both with the exquisite Elizabeth Hayley up against the-“
Sean (interjecting) – “SORRY… to… interrupt Leonard”.
Leonard (impatiently) – “Yeees, what is it?? I only have fifteen minutes to get this done”.
Sean – “I’m um… not sure I caught that… correctly. My name is Sean Wildman. You said I was wiiith…”
Leonard – “Wildman (he checked his list). Giant urn, Big Frank behind you. Brett Smith?” (Leonard looked up from his clipboard and saw Brett’s raised hand) “You’re with the stunning Amy Tyler under…”
Sean Wildman just sat there stunned as Leonard continued through the list, allocating parts and partners to everybody in the room. Suddenly, a massive, man-mountain loomed over him. The man spoke in a deep, Rusty Crowe voice.
Big Frank, Man Mountain – “I can’t wait to do this scene with you Sean. And just so you know, I’m a method actor and I take my craft very seriously”.
Imagine eventually, a few months later when Sean gets a phone call from his mum, she’s back in Iowa.
Sean’s mum (on the phone) – “Howdy Seanny. It’s mum. I know you wouldn’t tell us when your episode of that Spartacus thingy was going to air, so I rang your agent and convinced him to tell me. Dad and I are sitting here now with all the family and pretty well everybody you’ve ever known in your whole life, crammed into our living room to watch it. In fact your scene’s on right now! LITTLE TOMMY, TURN IT UP!”
Sean – “Oh mum, no”.
Sean’s mum – “Now don’t be shy son. So, which one are you? There’s so many people in this scene.”
Sean (dejected) – “Up the back mum. Far right”.
Sean’s mum (he knew his mum would be squinting) – “But that’s not you Seanny”.
Sean – “No, not him mum, that’s Big Frank the method actor. You can’t see my face. I’m bent over the urn”.
Sean hears his seven-year old cousin in the background. “THERE HE IS! THAT BIG MAN IS DANCING WITH HIM LIKE ROVER DOES”.
Then he hears his elderly grandmother laugh. “IS THAT WHAT HE MEANT BY RECEIVING AN OSCAR ONE DAY?”
Sean’s mum – “Oh… golly Seanny… you’re very… oh golly. It looks… very… oh dear God!”
Thanks for reading where I’ve put my heart and soul down in words, for you!
I’m like a noble, armour-clad knight astride a powerful war-steed, in dogged pursuit of my elusive dream to one day make a living as a word-man.
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