That brilliant series “Spartacus”, had a wild orgy scene. It was extremely raunchy, lots of hot slave women getting it on with muscled-up gladiators and Roman soldiers, and being true to the era, there was also quite a bit of bloke-on-bloke action.
So sitting there having a coffee in Hornswood, it got me wondering about the casting process…
Sean Wildman, a young dude who did plenty of theatre in College, left his family and girlfriend in Iowa, hoping to follow his dream in Hollywood.
He got his first break and was offered one of the roles as a “Spartacus” extra! He was over the moon.
Sean’s agent had already told him he was going to be in the orgy scene and only got the gig because he looks so good with his gear off, but what the hell. You have to start somewhere right? Sly Stallone didn’t walk straight into the lead role in Rocky, without having shown some skin previously.
So the fifteen or so muscle-bound blokes who are going to be playing the gladiators and the Romans in the orgy, are waiting in one big room. Leonard, the proudly-effeminate Director’s-assistant is reading off his clipboard and telling everybody their specific, extras roles for the filming that afternoon.
Director’s-assistant Leonard – “Ok gents, quiet please. Listen up now”. He clapped against his clipboard. “The ladies are preparing in the other room and I’m here to let you wonderful men know who’s with who, for this upcoming orgy scene.”
They all fell silent. Nervous anticipation hovered over the room.
Director’s-assistant Leonard – “ROCKO GIBSON?”
Rocko, who was sitting at the back of the room stuck up his hand.
Rocko – “Yes sir Mr Leonard!”
Director’s-assistant Leonard – “Rocko, you’re simulation is going to be up against the statue of Caesar with the stunning Yazmeen Tulsan. She plays the African warrior princess.”
Rocko – “Thank you sir”. Rocko was understandably happy.
Director’s-assistant Leonard – “Don’t thank me Rocko, just make this scene brilliant! That will be thanks enough”. He ticked Rocko’s name off his list.
Director’s-assistant Leonard – “ALISTAIR MORECOMBE? PUT YOUR HAND UP ALISTAIR”. Alistair did so. “Ok, you are a lucky man Alistair. You’re with the striking Sally-Anne Griffith on the red velvet cushions. She plays a volatile Spanish sex-slave”.
Director’s-assistant Leonard – “Jeremy Holter, Kyle Maxer and Johnny Bullet?” They all popped up their hands. “You boys are all on the tiger skin rug with the beautiful Denise Royal, Emma Rock and Daphne Gall, who are playing Greek slave girls. You can work out with the ladies who goes with who”. The lads looked pleased.
Director’s-assistant Leonard – “Sean Wildman?”
Sean threw up his hand excitedly. He was a long way from Iowa now!
Director’s-assistant Leonard – “Sean you’re bent over the giant urn in front of Big Frank, gladiator’s guard”. He ticked his list. “Tony Polster and Tommy Warner? You’re both with the exquisite Beth Hayley up against the-“
Sean (interjecting) – “SORRY… to… interrupt, Director’s-assistant Leonard”.
Director’s-assistant Leonard (impatiently) – “Yeees, what is it?? I only have fifteen minutes to get this done”.
Sean – “I’m um… not sure I caught that… correctly. My name is Sean Wildman. You said I was wiiith…”
Director’s-assistant Leonard – “Wildman… (he checked his list). Giant urn, Big Frank behind you. Brett Smith, where are you Brett?” (Leonard looked up from his clipboard and saw Brett’s raised hand) “You’re with the stunning Amy Tyler under…”
Sean Wildman just sat there stunned as Leonard continued through the list, allocating parts and partners to everybody in the room. Suddenly his haze was broken as a massive, man-mountain loomed over him. The man spoke in a deep, Rusty Crowe voice.
Big Frank (Man Mountain) – “I can’t wait to do this scene with you Sean. And just so you know, I’m a method actor and I take my craft very seriously”.
Imagine eventually, a few months later when Sean in Hollywood gets a phone call from his mum back in Iowa.
Sean’s mum (on the phone) – “Howdy Seanny. It’s mum. I know you wouldn’t tell us when your episode of that Spartacus thingy was going to air, so I rang your agent and convinced him to tell me. Dad and I are sitting here now with all the family and pretty well everybody you’ve ever known in your whole life, crammed into our living room to watch it. In fact your scene’s on right now! LITTLE TOMMY, TURN IT UP!”
Sean – “Oh mum, no!”
Sean’s mum – “Now don’t be shy son. So, which one are you? There’s so many people in this scene.”
Sean (dejected) – “Up the back mum. Far right”.
Sean’s mum (he knew his mum would be squinting) – “But that’s not you Seanny”.
Sean – “No… not him mum. That’s Big Frank the method actor. You can’t see my face. I’m… bent over the urn”.
Sean hears his seven-year old cousin in the background. “THERE HE IS! THAT BIG NAKED MAN IS WRESTLING WITH HIM LIKE ROVER DOES”.
Then he hears his elderly grandmother laugh. “IS THAT WHAT HE MEANT BY RECEIVING AN OSCAR ONE DAY?”
Sean’s mum – “Oh… golly Seanny… you’re very… oh, golly. It looks… very… oh dear God!”
Thanks for reading. I write blogs oftentimes just to be able to claim when meeting a new person at a party, that I am in fact… a writer (whereby my wife generally jumps in and proclaims “HE’S NOT A WRITER”). If you could Share far and wide via the buttons below, that would be amazing. I write stuff for a few small companies but I need to one day be a famous contributor to the noble art of blogging. And check out the brilliant new craft-beer home delivery business I have set up with a few North Shore dads (gettincrafty.com.au) Cheers