Heaven forbid I should succumb to gender stereotypes, however knowing Hornswood wives like I do, this particular blog really isn’t written for you. It’s a step-by-step guide to hosting the perfect bloke’s poker night and is written more with your partners in mind. If you do wish however to dramatically enhance your man’s coolness level amongst the other Hornswood blokes, then it’d be a great idea to forward them this particular blog.

Disclaimer – my wife’s the only person to be born and raised in Barcelona, who hates having people over. So, when I talk about “hosting” poker nights, I’m talking about my mates actually doing the “hosting” while I do the “attending”.

Most lad’s poker nights are about having low-stakes fun and experiencing the thrill of Texas Hold ‘Em, against their mates.

The problem is most Hornswood blokes are relatively inexperienced in playing Texas, let alone hosting, so many of these occasions aren’t as good as they could be because their rules are all over the place.

This is generally due to 4 common issues:

1. The stakes being too high (some may “do their dough”) or too low (“boring as bat-shit”).
2. One guy absolutely dominating and other blokes getting knocked out early.
3. The game moving too slowly due to inexperienced players.
4. People taking it too seriously and there not being enough banter about each hand.

I’ve played regular poker nights pretty much my whole life. We now do so every Wednesday, have done for years and there are some exceedingly experienced players in our group.

I know poker purists will think this is an abomination, however here are the house rules which if followed, will dramatically improve the success of your poker night:

THE STAKES

• Keep the chip denominations simple, so players don’t have to keep remembering what each one’s worth. We use greens (which have a value of 500) and blacks (value of 100), that’s it.
• You buy in with $10 which gets put aside in the kitty for splitting up at the end and you get 2,000 in chips (2 greens worth 1,000 and 10 blacks).
• At the end of the night any piles of 2,000 you have gets you back $10 from the kitty. If there is any money left after paying out all those 2,000’s it then goes to the player with the next highest (say 1600) and then you continue until the kitty’s paid out.

THE “EQUALISER” TO STOP ONE BLOKE DOMINATING

• If one Hornswood bloke is brilliant (or gets lucky), they can get a mile ahead and it’s no fun for anybody except him. So, if at any time somebody loses all their chips, they re-buy off the chip leader. This works as an Equaliser to stop one guy smashing it and everybody plays all night.
• As a reward for being the chip leader when somebody needs to buy-in, the buyer gives him $10 but he only receives $7 in chips (two greens and four blacks). The chip leader is brought back to the pack, but has made a little profit.
• Any money you earn once you sit down (forgetting about the initial $10 buy-in) you place in front of you (we call it “fanning”), so it’s easy to look around and see who’s doing well. If you have bought-in from somebody and then another player buys-in off you later, you replace your $10 back in your wallet and only fan profit. If anybody needs to re-buy at any stage, they use their fanned notes if they have any.

THE DISCARD TO SPEED UP PLAY

• Nothing slows down the game more than waiting for people to have their go. So when you’re dealt your first two cards, if they’re crap and you know you’re going to fold, do so immediately whether it’s your turn or not. You’ll get through MUCH more poker.

THE HAND-DISCUSSIONS AND BANTER

• At the end of each hand we all flip our cards over. The analysis of hands is the most fun part of social poker, showing if you were bluffing, explaining what you were trying to do, why you raised or called etc. This makes it funnier, dramatically more enjoyable and is the best way for everyone to learn the noble game of Texas.
• Further, if somebody folds out of a hand, they’re allowed to look at the cards of other players who are still playing. Of course they can’t say anything, but it adds to the amusement and they still can have some fun and learn.
• Also because it’s social grade, if you’re sitting there with a hand and you just can’t decide if you should call or not, you’re allowed to ask the opinion of one bloke (only) next to you. Quite often if he says “shit I’d call that” or “you moron get the hell out of there” it helps you make a decision. It’s a gentleman’s agreement that you give any advice based on the other player’s cards, not on what you threw away.

OTHER GENERAL POINTERS

• Because of the Equaliser system, the blinds never need to increase.
• Most Hornswood blokes I know are well past their physical prime and the poor old dears need good lighting for seeing cards properly. Try to buy some casino cards as the numbers on normal playing cards are too small for a large table.
• Of course if you are wealthy, you can buy-in and re-buy for $20 instead of $10, thereby doubling the stakes.

• An official call of “last two hands” is given five minutes before the end of the night. Everybody can decide if they want to go all-in if they’re not sitting on enough chips to get back $10 from the kitty or if they want to protect the chips they have.

Because it is the enjoyment level of you and all your poker-playing mates at risk, please just take my word for it. As a result of mis-spent youth… well, miss-spent youth/adulthood, I know if you follow these house rules your Hornswood bloke’s poker nights will be infinitely more enjoyable for all. In fact you should forward this blog on to them before the game😏, so everybody knows and understands the house rules under which you’re playing.

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Thanks for reading. I write blogs oftentimes just to claim at parties much to my wife’s chagrin, that I am in fact… a writer. I write stuff for a few small businesses but I need to one day be a famous contributor to the noble art of blogging. And check out my the brilliant new craft-beer home delivery business I set up with a few North Shore mates (gettincrafty.com.au) Cheers